Since my birthday is in two days, I have taken a few moments to contemplate getting older. Here are a few helpful hints to deal with all that marching on that time does:
Always hang
out with people older than you—preferably much
older—though as the years pass, much older gets harder and harder to
locate. These days, I spend a lot of
time at critical care assisted living units swapping stories of Prohibition,
milk delivery, and Judge Crater.
Chew raw
garlic constantly. This will keep away those irritating people who cause lines
in your face . . . like your family.
This has the added benefit of helping to keep your blood pressure under
control.
Pat your face
liberally with olive oil before going to bed—but don’t use so much that you
slide off the pillow.
Get some
exercise every day. I alternate with
raking the living room or walking to the store for more raw garlic.
Keep an upbeat
frame of mind. Stop listening to the
news.
Find a job
that you enjoy doing. If you love being with
and talking to people, get training as a counselor. If you hate people, but love animals, perhaps
working for a vet or hiding out in the woods and picking off hunters is up your
alley. If you hate people AND animals,
look for work in a morgue or become an ice sculptor in Antarctica.
Find something
to do that makes you happy in your daily life.
Some people go in for gardening.
Others buy a dog. I stop at every
house on my way to the store, ring the bell, and run. On my way back, nobody confronts me about it
because I will have already eaten one whole garlic bulb.
It is critical
to get enough rest. Move out.
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